The Thoughts of Son Gohan
by Bara in Blue
Summary: I guess it COULD be PG but I usually go higher than necessary. Gohan reflects on what influenced his actions in the past. R


The Thoughts of Son Gohan By Bara-chan  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything...  
  
This is my first DBZ fanfic(not my first fic though) and I want to apologize before hand for any incorrect information and/ or spelling. I have no job and therefore have no money to buy tapes so all I can go on are the English dubs. It also means that I can only see what episode are on tv and I tend to loose track of time(mostly cuz I'm reading fanfics ^.^) and I miss episodes. This 'story' takes place just before Gohan goes to high school, after he finds out he is going. This makes Gohan sound a bit bitter but oh well...  
  
Sorry for the short length but please read and review... ________________________________________  
  
Everything I have done has been influenced by them. For the first few years of my life I have trained myself to be what my mother wanted me to be: a scholar. I read HER books and learned HER lessons. I wore whatever SHE wanted me to wear and did whatever SHE told me to do.  
  
Then I found out what my father was. He was a Saiyajin, a fighter. I spent the next long and particularly traumatizing years making myself a fighter too. From Freiza to Cell I have become stronger, hoping that I could make my father proud of me. Ha... That was an extra blow. How could Father be proud of me when I was the one who killed him. When Father died, it was a wake up call. I had spent six years(1) of my life for a hopeless effort. Sure, I am strong and I can fight, but I will NEVER be what I wanted to be. I wanted to be as great a man as my father was.  
  
I am a complete and total failure. I failed my mother when I stopped studying to fight with father. I failed father when I could live like I knew he hoped I would. Father had trained with me and fought with me. He must have wanted me to fight. I also failed myself. It took me all this time to figure out that I was a nobody. I had no life of my own. I have Gohan the Scholar and Gohan the Fighter. Where in HELL is Gohan the Boy? He apparently had disappeared when the parents decided what was best for him. Perhaps he is still there. A tiny fleck of dust in the shell that has become what I am.  
  
Yes... Father's death was a very rude awakening. In the matter of minutes, I discovered that I am nothing. I have become a puppet to those who brought me to life. What they wanted with their puppet had been too much. As different as fire and water. When fire and water combine the fire goes out and the water evaporates. Nothing is left but a few charred pieces of things that can no longer be recognized and a little bit of water that survived.  
  
After Father died, I tired to go back to being Mother's puppet with the studying. Maybe if I buried myself in her dreams I would not have to analyze the charred remains of myself and try to build a personality from the still usable pieces. It was never the same though. Before it was fine because I did not notice the absence of myself. I have one consolation though. Goten was born. It is too late to save myself but I can do my best to help Goten find himself. I am worried though... I am afraid that he looks up to me too much. I looked up to Father like that and look how I turned out. Thank Dende for Trunks. Maybe actually having a friend would help. Someone to share feelings with, an outlet for troubles like those that drove me away from myself.  
  
Well....look at what is happening now. I'm going to school. A public school. Sometimes I wonder. Did Mother realize that I am only what she made me and not really me? Or is this just a way for me to make contacts so that I can be a better scholar? I am afraid of this, whatever the reason that caused it. I know that I will have to face problems that I will have to solve myself. It looks as though I will have to go through that debris that used to be Gohan after all.  
  
But, for some reason... I cannot wait to see what I become.  
  
The End  
  
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(1) Is that right?? Was he five during the Radditz thing and eleven during the Cell Games? I'm not very good with numbers... ^.^ I'm not even sure where these numbers came up... 


End file.
